True matters of the heart

[Alibaba23]

I will give a more precise recollection of what I am going through now but this is a call for help form my heart.

TL; DR- married for 7 years and wife begins to become vulgar and belittle me in every single way. Uses negative terms on me to a day that I couldn’t take it. I booked a flight to KL, called a FL. I got so attracted to the FL that I visited her 4 times and gave her money to clear her own business debt. In case anyone wondered if her business is real or just another lie, I know where her restaurant is and she showed me her business bank account before and after the loan.

The easier way is to tahan my wife until one day I cannot or she no longer around then I remarry this girl. At the same time, keeping things at it is.

Any senior can advice how to keep such an arrangement for as long as possible?

[larue]

Being with your wife will be your ruin.

You are doubling down on your ruin by carrying on with the other woman.

Your mental prison is strong.

[Willamshakspear]

There is no smoke without fire. What is posted by you, the TS, on this thread is only your version. Is there more to it?

What had cause the situation to develop to this stage? There may be more, & even perhaps a case of your wife attempting a strategy to 'kick your ass' so that you may live up to your potential in life, no doubt a dangerous strategy without Risk Management?

Do try to find a good time, & have a good open table talk with your wife, whom you had married for 7 yrs together, to find solutions to alleviate the situation first. There will be no INSTANT solution, but given time & effort, perhaps you may be able to live a better & fruitful marriage?

In REALITY, what you had started with your FL is the same path as you had started in the relationship with your wife.

All relationships always begin with dreams, awe, etc...& then later comes the difficult situations that needs to be resolved.

Are you prepared to go through with it with your FL again in the naturalistic path of relationships, or would you rather to try to find solutions in your current relationship with your wife, & be spared of hurt to come?

Wish you all the best.

[Alibaba23]

Thank you for the advise bros.

I would very much like to have a talk with my wife but every time when I am giving my explanation, she calls them all excuses; she just shows me that she just wants to win every single time. I still want to let her know that I am hurt and I also understand that she is trying to help me be better. But this is not in the army anymore, it does not work this way.

We had a talk about it before and she said to me: “talk to you nicely you don’t get it, so end up I have to be vulgar and all. You think I like it?”

To me, there is no need to be so vulgar and rough towards me. I’m a man but I have feelings too. Moreover I have never ever used vulgarities on her. We are staying with our parents and her parents sometimes nag her and my parents are more soft spoken so they will be quiet when they are unhappy and I have to balance everyone’s emotion. On top of work, I’m tired af.

You are right that this is just my side of the story. I don’t think my wife will ever post here haha

[fallen11]

Originally Posted by Alibaba23

I will give a more precise recollection of what I am going through now but this is a call for help form my heart.

TL; DR- married for 7 years and wife begins to become vulgar and belittle me in every single way. Uses negative terms on me to a day that I couldn’t take it. I booked a flight to KL, called a FL. I got so attracted to the FL that I visited her 4 times and gave her money to clear her own business debt. In case anyone wondered if her business is real or just another lie, I know where her restaurant is and she showed me her business bank account before and after the loan.

The easier way is to tahan my wife until one day I cannot or she no longer around then I remarry this girl. At the same time, keeping things at it is.

Any senior can advice how to keep such an arrangement for as long as possible?

i dont know why people have to find another girl before they leave. The influence of a 3rd party could cloud your own judgement and decision making.
I suggest you leave any 3rd party out of the equation and just end things with your wife first, before moving on. You can always find endless women after your divorce. "Dont leave a hole, just to end up into a deeper hole."
You should not be giving money so easily to FLs.... if you are going to continue doing this, i suggest its better to just stick with your wife first till you are sober and wise enough to control your emotions.

[tankerkit]

1. bro fallen11 is right. got 3rd will cloud judgement. u need to first be of clear mind. remove temptations.

2. the way your wife is treating you, if as you say it is behavioural changes, you reflect what may have caused the change. as not much details in your post.

3. when she vulgar raise voice etc, stand your ground to not be talked down if you are not in the wrong. but do not raise voice back. remain calm but firm. becoming soft is one of the reasons women raise voices and be vulgar at us. coz they can step over you. once they can, they will, and they will no longer be attracted to you.

[larue]

End it with the FL so you can concentrate on your marriage, whether it is working it out or ending it.

Just stop all contact with her. She will survive without you, she has survives well without you and will continue to do so without you.

Don't think you are her hero and she needs you.

After that, go for marriage counseling with your wife since you clearly have trouble saying how you feel and you are afraid of displeasing her directly. You can probably blame your parents for that, but that can wait

Discussing these issues with a third party present to moderate and prevent either party from going on and on about their own grievances and going off course with no resolution.

No good at all will come out of you carrying on with your escapism in carrying on with both your marriage and with the FL. Everyone can see that.

You probably think somewhere in your mind that this 'new love' will give you the strength to leave your wife.

Don't lie to yourself. This is self destructive behaviour and you know it deep down.

You can hate your life, but don't hate yourself. It is within you to make your life better, don't give in to this pointless and financially ruinous romantic escape.

[Willamshakspear]

Thanks bro Alibaba23 for a bit more input. The insignificant nobody me would agree with the concept of 'standing your ground' in relationships, more so abusive ones, & would like to share some experiences on such.

There once was such a case that I personally witnessed in the Army. A sergeant behaved like a big time gangster and was often abusive towards a storeman with vulgar expletives regularly. The storeman did his job as per his job scope & nothing more, nor was expected, but the sergeant demanded more - that he keep the store supplied always, updated & managed losses. One day, the storeman had enough, stood his ground & shouted back, even challenged the sergeant to a fight.

We knew if ever a fight occurred, the puny sized storeman would be squashed by the muscular sergeant, & wanted to stop the fight. However, the sergeant kept his cool & walked away instead, fully aware of the CONSEQUENCES should a fight break out - loss of career while the storeman would get a few weeks at detention barracks, as the military will take no sides, but to charge all involved.

While both attitudes did not changed much, each became more aware of the line drawn, & attempted to keep cool, do their expected jobs & go home at the end of the day, with lesser altercations.

Another experienced was shared by a friend. He is a soft spoken man, an introvert & came from a rich family with family biz that lasted for decades on a landed factory from JTC in Jurong.

He being a nice man, married an ambitious lady from humble background & after a yr into the marriage, the lady changed & quarrels were frequent, even daily. She was not overly ambitious, but wanted a better quality of life, more time for the family, outings, etc. However, her husband had responsibilities to sustain the family biz - rising labor costs, competition, & had little time to spare for her which made her felt neglected & thus the resentment.

One day, the quarrels got so heated that the husband went to the kitchen, took out a chopper knife & walked into the living room, place the knife on the coffee table & told her " Enough is enough. I had done all I could. I am not a gambler, or a womanizer, or a drinker or smoker. I worked my fingers to the bone for everyone's survival, but you are not happy, then just end it. I married you for love & still love you. I would rather be killed by the one I loved than to continue living this abusive life."

Fortunately, the maid saw what happened, grabbed the wife away quickly & took the knife back into the kitchen. Also, both husband & wife was still rational to realize the CONSEQUENCES if actions were followed thru...

There was no happy ending after that outburst. It only led towards divorce as the wife was unwilling to compromise, & the husband had nothing left to compromise...

I would agree with the brothers here, - to go for professional counselling both your wife & yourself & to RESOLVE your marriage first before moving on into another, to be fair to yourself, your wife & the one you presumed to love. If not resolved, it will only lead to despair & pain later on for everyone, as extra-marital affairs are often found out. It's only a matter of time.

All the best.

[EtherC]

Sometimes it saddens me to see a fellow man trying hard to qualify himself in the eyes of women so that they can feel like they are a man. Your wife has lost respect for you, how it came about to this state only you and her know. Very often what I see from people around me is the guy putting his girl on a pedestal, bending backwards until they have no boundaries. Over time this eats into the respect she will have for the man. It’s difficult to love that which one doesn’t respect. The bros are right to advise you to leave the KL girl alone, because you are just seeking validation of your worth in another. It willl likely end up in the same trajectory if you don’t make changes to yourself.

[drinknsmoke]

First thing to consider speaking if I'm on your side to push through for what you think you might want because alot of context is missing to understand what you are going through. Regarding wife and mistress combo... if its long term, don't bother, you would probably get fucked either ways and more screwed than your wife nagging and belittling you now.

Taking into account that your wife might be unwilling to compromise + go for counseling or having a heart to heart talk with you, your option might be to divorce but I highly doubt going with the FL would be a good idea.

In terms of relationship, judging from the context, you and the FL have sort of a business transaction with you giving her money to clear her business debt. Length and Period of time you spent with her as a whole is unknown so it really might be because she makes you feel needed and more "Man" and treat you better, which contrasts with how your wife treats you, making you generate feelings for her as she is better than your wife by giving you what you need.

Just saying it might be a terrible decision to get in relationship with someone when there is money involved because it will affect how the "borrower" treats you whether you like it or not.

Back to your wife treating you like crap, when did this start? Do you have kids? Somethings happens for a reason, I mean if she treats you like crap from the start, then it might be time to divorce her, since you might have been able to handle it from the start but not anymore now with age+work+stress.

Divorce early before she finds out about your mistress though, if not you will probably be in deep trouble as Singapore's marriage laws are more favorable to women.

I find it tough to encourage you to stay in the marriage since what you are saying are mostly negative which might be due to pent up stress and rage with your wife.

Before you do anything that you might regret, consider reliving happier memories with your wife and try to remember what made you marry her in the first place, consider staying away from your FL and think deeply whether this is what you want. In the case you don't have kids, I would encourage you to find happiness but definitely in a better way where there is less to no money involved in the relationship to save yourself a headache next time when you find the women is there only for your money. Either that, or keep it purely transactional which you might be able to afford and at least you know what you are paying for.

I generally encourage people to be happy and move on from toxic relationships, its never too late. Importantly, got children?

[Alibaba23]

Thank you all for your advises sincerely.

I recognize that I am brought up this way to give in and give in until I have enough then I look outward rather than approaching the topic. Moreover it's harder now since my wife is always right. No matter what I say,it's an excuse to her.

My wife probably belittled me since years ago when she gave up talking to me nicely because apparently I don't listen well when she speaks with me nicely. Again, this could stem from her wanting to be right all the time so I couldn't explain my way in the last. Thus, I am at where I am today.

I acknowledge the fact that this Fl Is giving me feeling of new love and I don't know how long this will last. For now, it makes me feel good about myself and in a way refuel me to be patient with my wife until I run out of patient again.

Honestly, I never thought I will receive this level of support from the penpals here. I will take sometime to internalize all these advises before taking action. I'm a catholic so divorce is something out of topic and the best solution is marriage therapy.

[dessertboy]

Originally Posted by Alibaba23

Honestly, I never thought I will receive this level of support from the penpals here. I will take sometime to internalize all these advises before taking action. I'm a catholic so divorce is something out of topic and the best solution is marriage therapy.

Faith in humanity restored? haha. i give similar advice base on the current situation. Bro drinknsmoke is correct. whatever your decision regarding your wife, do not be tempted by the FL as money is involved, and in their line of work it is part of their skill set to make you feel good to earn money. what happens if you stop giving money? so put the FL out of the picture and recollect back what happen, what made the wife behave this way, any way u change stand up for yourself and remain calm and work things out with your wife?

[drinknsmoke]

"I'm a catholic so divorce is something out of topic and the best solution is marriage therapy."

Bro... as much as I have to be an asshole to say this but don't let religion be your excuse for moving out of your safe circle. This might be insensitive since I have been exposed to too much religion where I believe the path to salvation is mostly to rely on yourself instead of a higher being.

From the way you reply, you seem abit timid and a push-over which might be a reason why your wife is treating you like this since she has dominance over you.

You need to get some self-help to build up a confidence. Whether is it going to the gym to get a healthier body, going to shop for an image change or enjoying and being good at a hobby. Eerily reminds me of the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love.

In the case of marriage counseling, in my opinion, if 2 parties are unwilling to compromise or communicate it is essentially useless. Counseling helps when both parties are willing to try and make a change.

In a more selfish fashion, pick yourself up, do things that you find enjoyable and hopefully not lead to a path of self-destruction, get more confidence and happiness from healthier sources and who knows, your wife might treat you better. Don't let her dominate you. Also please, people with a timid personality who explode emotionally might get violent. Before you decide to do anything violent which would put you in a worse state, get the fk out and away from her before doing anything stupid.

[pinkniprunner]

Originally Posted by drinknsmoke

"I'm a catholic so divorce is something out of topic and the best solution is marriage therapy."

Bro... as much as I have to be an asshole to say this but don't let religion be your excuse for moving out of your safe circle. This might be insensitive since I have been exposed to too much religion where I believe the path to salvation is mostly to rely on yourself instead of a higher being.

From the way you reply, you seem abit timid and a push-over which might be a reason why your wife is treating you like this since she has dominance over you.

You need to get some self-help to build up a confidence. Whether is it going to the gym to get a healthier body, going to shop for an image change or enjoying and being good at a hobby. Eerily reminds me of the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love.

In the case of marriage counseling, in my opinion, if 2 parties are unwilling to compromise or communicate it is essentially useless. Counseling helps when both parties are willing to try and make a change.

In a more selfish fashion, pick yourself up, do things that you find enjoyable and hopefully not lead to a path of self-destruction, get more confidence and happiness from healthier sources and who knows, your wife might treat you better. Don't let her dominate you. Also please, people with a timid personality who explode emotionally might get violent. Before you decide to do anything violent which would put you in a worse state, get the fk out and away from her before doing anything stupid.

bro's advice on point. i used to be a people pleaser and pushover as well. some drastic experiences wake up my idea need to stand up for myself and now life better and more happy.

[BatamBro]

bro.. you are looking for someone similar in your shoes to give you the approval for this ongoing FL love your have.

I suggest you keep it simple for yourself and just continue the marriage, let her flame all she want. We are in the era where transparency no longer works.. she will most probably continue to flame and belittle you.

keep all your FL one off temporary can alr.. don't need to explore into another relationship and get yourself committed into another person's life.

life's less than 99 years and you only have your 20's to 40's to enjoy
the 40's to 60's worry about health then 60's to 70's prep for death alr..

don't stress until like that.. just keep your FL's temp, no need commit until so thick